When Screaming and Pulling Out Your Hair Doesn't Work - How an Only Child Copes with Parenting Siblings

I'm an only child.  I didn't grow up arguing with siblings over this or that.  So when I married a man who has five siblings, then had four of my own, I think I became just a little crazy.  Just a little. 

Why are siblings' personalities so different?  I think that childhood experiences, particularly whether or not someone has siblings, play a gigantic role in the person’s personality as an adult. What is new about this topic is that there is a surge of Psychological studies and articles on how a person’s personality is shaped by his or her childhood environment. 

It's simple to understand personality traits of older siblings (typically bossy) compared to younger siblings (needy), and middle siblings (most likely to battle for attention).

The main aspect that is being viewed microscopically is whether or not a child has siblings. In Psychology Today, Hara Estroff Marano (2010) stated, “Siblings are born to compete for parental attention, and the strategies they use wind up encoded in personality. Small wonder it can take a lifetime to work out sibling relationships.” (p.54) How does a person that grew up as an only child cope with the issues that siblings face?  

Marano stated, “Parents are quick to deny differential treatment of their kids; it’s painful for them to think about how they may have failed their children.”  Okay. Enough scientific analysis. Let’s peek into someone’s personal life: Mine. 

My 19, 14, and 12-year old daughters argue incessantly. Sometimes, two of them will gang up on and argue with the third. How do I handle it? I let them. I tune them out.  Arguing strengthens them. I feel it will make them better communicators once they get out into the world. Once I think the arguing has escalated, and World War III is brewing, or I’m ready to jump out the fourth-floor window, I intervene.

I lost every argument with my husband for the first ten years of marriage because, let’s face it.  He had plenty of practice.  Historically, siblings fight. My husband told me about a knife-throwing session he and his older-by-one-year brother had. Knives? Honestly! But my motto is, “You put your hands on each other, and I’ll put my hands on you.” Which means I’d intervene violent behavior with more violent behavior (not really). Or maybe just by taking their cell phones away. When they were younger, I made them stay inside without any television or games. 

DON'T PLAY FAVORITES

My friend, Margaret, has a younger brother, yet she is the youngest of three girls.  She gets teary every time she tells me about one of her most hurtful memories. “My mother never sent me to dance class. All her photo albums have pictures of my two sisters in their dance clothes, but there’s not one picture in it of me wearing dance clothes. 

My mother could do that for Katie and Julie but couldn’t do it for me?” (M. Jenkins, Personal Communication, September 10, 2010).  My friend is over 40!  And she's still hurt! I know it’s horrible to suggest the idea, but are we honest with ourselves?  Do we pick on one child more than another because we have labeled him or her as “difficult?” Or do we spend more time with the child that gives us the least resistance? 

I encourage good behavior from my girls because I praise them when they do well. (No, I don’t tousle their hair and pat their heads.) I spend time alone talking with each girl about her day. When another girl attempts to interrupt, I tell her she has to wait. Birthdays are celebrated by all. Whoever is having a birthday will be celebrated, but the other girls get something too. It’s natural for parents to celebrate the birth of their children, but I think it’s important for siblings to celebrate that birth as well. I bring surprises to the girls.

Children create stress. Have your husband take over. Take a break from them. My children know that they are loved. I may make a mistake here and there, but they know that I am in each one of their corners. Your children will be fine.  Just keep your hands away from your hair.

References:

Marano, H. (2010, August). Oh Brother!. Psychology Today, 54 – 61.

Marsh, C., Guth, D. W., & Short, B. P. (2009). Strategic Writing (2^nd ed.). Boston: Pearson.