Help! My 16-Year-Old Daughter Is Driving Me Crazy! 3 Steps To Regaining Your Sanity

            My lovely parents raised me in the old-school fashion where children were seen and not heard.  You kept your opinions to yourself because they didn’t matter anyway.  My parents did the best they could with what they knew, but I’m of the opinion that a child’s voice is important.  When you don’t seem to be getting through, you might feel like you’re doing something wrong.  However, as long as you provide food, clothing, shelter and love, everything else is a privilege.  Here are three steps I took that might help you with your difficult teenage girl.

1.     Find Out What’s Eating Her
Your old-school upbringing will definitely try to block this, but I sat down with Ms. Techie, my 16-year-old daughter, and had a heart-to-heart conversation.  She explained that I didn’t understand her; I didn’t let her do anything, and treated her two sisters better.  Rather than settle for her blanket statements, I asked her for specific examples.  One she gave me was the fact that I would not add her to the insurance policy so that she could drive.  “What’s the sense of having a driver’s license if I’m not allowed to go anywhere?” she said.  I could understand her frustration with that one.  Over 50 learning hours driving in various conditions, giving me several near-heart attacks then passing the test to proudly carry her driver’s license didn’t mean anything to her if she couldn’t drive.  I had to give her some rope to grow up.  After all, how are children going to show responsibility if you don’t give them opportunities to be responsible?

Regarding my treating her sisters better that I treated her, I simply told her that her attitude dictated how she’s treated.  There’s a way to say everything, and I told her she could get much farther with me without eye-rolling, a high-pitched voice and disrespect.  I told her we’re all human, and I can forgive someone for having a bad day…but consistent bad days may warrant some help.  At which point she accused me of calling her crazy.  Oy Vey! 

2.     Make Sure She Understands Why You Do What You Do
When our communication breaks down (usually symbolized by her tears), I stop, hold her, and explain that I am being this way simply because I love her.  Explain that rules are meant to be followed, not broken, and that she might not understand why a certain rule exists, but assure her it exists for her own good as you see it…which brings me to the hardest part: discipline.

3.     Make Sure You Outline Specific Consequences For Breaking Rules
My pet peeve is disrespect.  I know it will be hard, but take away privileges when you feel you’re being disrespected.  I previously told her I would take her to get her hair done.  CANCELLED.  She had a subscription to one of her favorite magazines.  CANCELLED.  I pay for her cell phone.  TAKEN.  You might feel you’re being too harsh, but think of it this way:  Why should you pay for privileges for a child who is disrespectful and uncooperative? 

Final Word:  Above all, let her talk.  Let her get everything off her chest.  Even if you don’t agree with what she is saying, and even if your answer to her is still, “no,” let her speak.  If you don’t know what her problem is, you can’t help her.  That does not mean you should allow her to talk over you or interrupt.  If that happens, stop the conversation and let her know it won’t be allowed.  Communicate, communicate, communicate.  Make sure you explain that you love her, and disrespect will not be tolerated.  If she breaks your rules, take away one or more privileges and stick to it until you get results.  There’s no need to keep verbally harassing her.  Let your actions speak louder than your words.  If after you’ve taken all these steps and you don’t see any progress over time, you might just want to have her talk to another family member or a professional, but I really believe you will have a breakthrough.

Conclusion:  After a few days of sulking and refusing to interact with me, I entered Ms. Techie’s room once again.  I initiated a conversation with her and let her talk some more.  Finally, she reached out her arms and said, “I’m sorry.”  We hugged, and for a while, I’m sane again.

I’d love to hear how it turns out with your teenage daughter.