Help! My 16-Year-Old Daughter Is Driving Me Crazy! 3 Steps To Regaining Your Sanity

            My lovely parents raised me in the old-school fashion where children were seen and not heard.  You kept your opinions to yourself because they didn’t matter anyway.  My parents did the best they could with what they knew, but I’m of the opinion that a child’s voice is important.  When you don’t seem to be getting through, you might feel like you’re doing something wrong.  However, as long as you provide food, clothing, shelter and love, everything else is a privilege.  Here are three steps I took that might help you with your difficult teenage girl.

1.     Find Out What’s Eating Her
Your old-school upbringing will definitely try to block this, but I sat down with Ms. Techie, my 16-year-old daughter, and had a heart-to-heart conversation.  She explained that I didn’t understand her; I didn’t let her do anything, and treated her two sisters better.  Rather than settle for her blanket statements, I asked her for specific examples.  One she gave me was the fact that I would not add her to the insurance policy so that she could drive.  “What’s the sense of having a driver’s license if I’m not allowed to go anywhere?” she said.  I could understand her frustration with that one.  Over 50 learning hours driving in various conditions, giving me several near-heart attacks then passing the test to proudly carry her driver’s license didn’t mean anything to her if she couldn’t drive.  I had to give her some rope to grow up.  After all, how are children going to show responsibility if you don’t give them opportunities to be responsible?

Regarding my treating her sisters better that I treated her, I simply told her that her attitude dictated how she’s treated.  There’s a way to say everything, and I told her she could get much farther with me without eye-rolling, a high-pitched voice and disrespect.  I told her we’re all human, and I can forgive someone for having a bad day…but consistent bad days may warrant some help.  At which point she accused me of calling her crazy.  Oy Vey! 

2.     Make Sure She Understands Why You Do What You Do
When our communication breaks down (usually symbolized by her tears), I stop, hold her, and explain that I am being this way simply because I love her.  Explain that rules are meant to be followed, not broken, and that she might not understand why a certain rule exists, but assure her it exists for her own good as you see it…which brings me to the hardest part: discipline.

3.     Make Sure You Outline Specific Consequences For Breaking Rules
My pet peeve is disrespect.  I know it will be hard, but take away privileges when you feel you’re being disrespected.  I previously told her I would take her to get her hair done.  CANCELLED.  She had a subscription to one of her favorite magazines.  CANCELLED.  I pay for her cell phone.  TAKEN.  You might feel you’re being too harsh, but think of it this way:  Why should you pay for privileges for a child who is disrespectful and uncooperative? 

Final Word:  Above all, let her talk.  Let her get everything off her chest.  Even if you don’t agree with what she is saying, and even if your answer to her is still, “no,” let her speak.  If you don’t know what her problem is, you can’t help her.  That does not mean you should allow her to talk over you or interrupt.  If that happens, stop the conversation and let her know it won’t be allowed.  Communicate, communicate, communicate.  Make sure you explain that you love her, and disrespect will not be tolerated.  If she breaks your rules, take away one or more privileges and stick to it until you get results.  There’s no need to keep verbally harassing her.  Let your actions speak louder than your words.  If after you’ve taken all these steps and you don’t see any progress over time, you might just want to have her talk to another family member or a professional, but I really believe you will have a breakthrough.

Conclusion:  After a few days of sulking and refusing to interact with me, I entered Ms. Techie’s room once again.  I initiated a conversation with her and let her talk some more.  Finally, she reached out her arms and said, “I’m sorry.”  We hugged, and for a while, I’m sane again.

I’d love to hear how it turns out with your teenage daughter.  

What the BLEEP Is Going On With Television Programming?

Hey, I like a good curse (ahem, excuse me,) I mean cuss word every now and then just like anyone else.  But what has become of us?  I remember years ago when I first heard the word, “booty” on television or the radio.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I mean, “booty” actually being broadcasted for all to hear?  Growing up, I could not dare say that word.  My parents taught me that such words were foul, and if I had a reason to reference such a thing, it should be called “butt” or “behind.”  So hearing it for the first time like that really made my jaw drop to the floor.  What was happening?  That, I found out, was only the beginning.

Recently, I was flipping channels one mid-morning and happened upon a cable channel known for daytime reality shows.  I actually heard a character say the “P” word.  This word is usually common language in dark rooms or between boys who brag about girls and try to compete with each other.  This word is sometimes put in front of the word, “cat.”  The first time a character on the show said it, she was referring to how a man was acting.  Later, a different character used the word in a more nasty way.  I actually had to rewind the show to listen again so that I could make sure I heard what I thought I heard. I mean, come on! This was in the middle of the afternoon.  It’s not like it was on some channel that has nudity and profanity in its programming late at night.  I had about 100 questions going through my mind, but I will just list these:  

1.      Did they actually say that word?
2.      Why didn’t the station bleep it out of the program?
3.      Isn’t this some sort of violation of the Federal Communications Commission (FCC)?
4.      Why is this bothering me so much?
5.      Is this bothering anyone else?
6.      Am I just getting old?
7.      Where is our decency?

I think it was just another marker of the degeneration of our society. For instance, gone are the days when songs are made about summer breezes or roller skating. It’s like slightly opening a lid to a box with snakes in it. They’re all going to get out and go haywire. Where and how will it end? The scary part is that if we don’t reel some of this stuff back, modesty, discretion and respect will become things of the past.

I'd like to know what you think. Share a comment and let's talk.

 

   

           

I Work For a Large Corporation.  Now What?

Five Things I Wish I Had Done When I Worked for a Large Corporation

I worked for a corporation (a Fortune 500 company, mind you) for 25 years.  Its employees have gone through a multitude of changes – mergers, acquisitions – as large corporations do…and I survived them all.  Until recently.  I should have seen the writing on the wall, but rather than taking my head out of the sand rather than keeping it down to get the work done, I really didn’t see it coming until it was too late.  Just know this, people:  When you’re asked to train other people to do the tasks you currently perform, you might want to start asking some questions.  I didn’t ask a thing.  I simply blew it off as cross-training.  After all, in order for any business to survive, employees must now know how to do more than what they were actually hired, for, right?  Hindsight is always 20/20 as they say.  There’s a whole slew of reasons why I believe my position was not spared, but that’s a whole different article.  I won’t dwell on that aspect.  I just look back at the top five things I wish I had done or avoided.  I hope my blunders don’t become yours.    

1.                Join Your Corporation’s 401(k) Plan Immediately. Like, right NOW!   

I mean, right away without thinking.  When you begin working for a large corporation, Human Resources gives you a huge stack of papers to read.  I read the ones that I thought were important like medical and dental insurance for my family.  This corporation had a 401(k), but I didn’t read through the material because frankly, I had never heard of it and didn’t think it was important.  After all, it’s not like my family ever had enough money to invest, so how could they pass their knowledge on to me?  So when I received the 401(k) papers, I simply disregarded them.  Besides, I was quite young when I began with this Corporation.  I didn’t realize the importance of this plan until I had been there for nearly five years!  Here is a plan that will take some of your money before it is even taxed, invest it for you, and your employer will even match the amount or percentage of the amount you put in.  After I got into the plan and learned how to read my statements, I realized how much money I could have been saving for my retirement. 

Lesson:  Age is no excuse for ignorance.  Whether you’re young and uninformed, or older and think you know everything, you should read and understand all that your corporation has to offer.  If you don’t understand something, ask your co-workers.  Better yet, ask your Human Resources Representative.

2.                Think About Long-Term Goals.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going to work every day, keeping your head down, and getting the work done.  I went along day-to-day doing my job, and doing it very well, might I add.  The problem was that I never considered the fact that I might not want to be doing the same thing five or ten years later.  By the time I knew what I really wanted to do in the corporation, it was too late.  I had more years behind me than in front of me, and I had not really done enough to prepare for a future position.  Get out of your cubicle and stick your nose in other co-workers’ business.  Find out what they do.  Besides, the one constant thing about businesses is that they change.

Lesson:  When you get to know people in your corporation, you’ll find out that you’re not just a little cog in the wheel after all.  Your job plays an important role in the big scheme of things.  If not, they wouldn’t have hired you - which brings me to the next point:

3.                Network and Find a Mentor. 

There were plenty of groups within my corporation that I had an opportunity to join.  It prided itself on its diverse employees and customers, and it had groups to represent them all.  No employee was excluded from joining any of the groups.  There were other networking opportunities such as volunteering.  I waited too long to get involved.  Once I did, I enjoyed it immensely, but it was too little, too late.  Being active in a large corporation can help your name get around.  If you’re a hard worker, that’s a good thing.  I didn’t actually know how to find a mentor.  I mean, should I have just gone up to someone I admired and said, “Hey, can you be my mentor?”  ABSOLUTELY.  How do you find out something without asking?  The worst that could happen is that the person could say no.  Details about how and when the mentoring can actually take place could be worked out later. 

Lesson:  Even though you might not know who could mentor you, again, get involved in some of the Corporation’s activities, ask questions, and volunteer.  If you’re not a people person or shy, it’s ok.  Get involved in something that makes you feel comfortable.  Offer to take your prospective mentor to lunch.  Approach the subject in a calm, relaxed atmosphere.   

4.                Ask Questions.

I was a task master.   If my manager gave me a task, I took it and ran.  I felt that if I understood how to do it, I didn’t need to ask any questions.  Some questions I should have asked myself or my manager are: How is this important to the corporation?  Who else needs it and why?  How does what I’m doing fit into the bigger picture? Is there a better way to do it? Has someone else done it before?   Is there someone else in a different department who is doing something similar?  Don’t ask questions because you’re trying to sound interesting.  Ask because you want to make sure you’re doing the task the best possible way. 

Lesson:  I wouldn’t recommend asking your manager everything, but your co-workers can be valuable.  If your product goes to a co-worker for processing or handling, ask him or her what is done with it once it leaves your hands. 

5.                Seek Training/Get Educated

My corporation offered many resources including a tuition reimbursement program for its employees.  The IT department offered training on everything from new software to later versions of software the corporation was currently using.  I had many opportunities to receive training on something new.  When you learn something new, ask for an opportunity to use your new skill, otherwise, you might not remember how to do it later down the road.   The tuition reimbursement program was instrumental in my decision to go back to school.  I obtained a Bachelors Degree, but wish I had gone even further.    

Lesson:  If your corporation offers tuition reimbursement or training, take advantage and look for opportunities within the corporation to use your new skills.

NEWS RELEASE - Same Time, Same Station

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                                              

WOMAN MAKES IDIOTIC COMMENT 

CHICAGO, Ill. – June               -  “This happens every day!”  This was coming from someone who’s ignorant.  This was from a woman who complained that the 5:40 Metra train closes its doors at 5:40.  That it just sits there with the doors closed while she’s standing there fuming.  Then someone shouted that one of the other cars’ doors was open.  About five of us ran down to it, only to see them slowly closing.  I started laughing.  “They know they did that on purpose!” She yelled.  “Gotta keep those schedules, you know.  Just laugh! Whattaya gonna do?”  I asked no one in particular.  Then the ‘This happens every day’ comment hit me. 

“This happens every day?” I asked.  “Why are you late every day?  Can’t you leave a little earlier?”  Now I felt like her mother or something.  “It’s because of what I have to do,” was her explanation.  I yelled at the other four despondent travelers, “Back to the station we go!”  But think about it?  Maybe she should ask herself some questions.

• If this happens every day, what makes me think it won’t happen tomorrow? 
• Every day I do the exact same thing and get the same results, yet why do I expect different results?
• Shouldn’t I change my behavior instead of expecting the train to wait for me?

I wanted to tell her, “When you keep doing something the same way and expect different results, that makes you an idiot.  No offense, of course.”

When Screaming and Pulling Out Your Hair Doesn't Work - How an Only Child Copes with Parenting Siblings

I'm an only child.  I didn't grow up arguing with siblings over this or that.  So when I married a man who has five siblings, then had four of my own, I think I became just a little crazy.  Just a little. 

Why are siblings' personalities so different?  I think that childhood experiences, particularly whether or not someone has siblings, play a gigantic role in the person’s personality as an adult. What is new about this topic is that there is a surge of Psychological studies and articles on how a person’s personality is shaped by his or her childhood environment. 

It's simple to understand personality traits of older siblings (typically bossy) compared to younger siblings (needy), and middle siblings (most likely to battle for attention).

The main aspect that is being viewed microscopically is whether or not a child has siblings. In Psychology Today, Hara Estroff Marano (2010) stated, “Siblings are born to compete for parental attention, and the strategies they use wind up encoded in personality. Small wonder it can take a lifetime to work out sibling relationships.” (p.54) How does a person that grew up as an only child cope with the issues that siblings face?  

Marano stated, “Parents are quick to deny differential treatment of their kids; it’s painful for them to think about how they may have failed their children.”  Okay. Enough scientific analysis. Let’s peek into someone’s personal life: Mine. 

My 19, 14, and 12-year old daughters argue incessantly. Sometimes, two of them will gang up on and argue with the third. How do I handle it? I let them. I tune them out.  Arguing strengthens them. I feel it will make them better communicators once they get out into the world. Once I think the arguing has escalated, and World War III is brewing, or I’m ready to jump out the fourth-floor window, I intervene.

I lost every argument with my husband for the first ten years of marriage because, let’s face it.  He had plenty of practice.  Historically, siblings fight. My husband told me about a knife-throwing session he and his older-by-one-year brother had. Knives? Honestly! But my motto is, “You put your hands on each other, and I’ll put my hands on you.” Which means I’d intervene violent behavior with more violent behavior (not really). Or maybe just by taking their cell phones away. When they were younger, I made them stay inside without any television or games. 

DON'T PLAY FAVORITES

My friend, Margaret, has a younger brother, yet she is the youngest of three girls.  She gets teary every time she tells me about one of her most hurtful memories. “My mother never sent me to dance class. All her photo albums have pictures of my two sisters in their dance clothes, but there’s not one picture in it of me wearing dance clothes. 

My mother could do that for Katie and Julie but couldn’t do it for me?” (M. Jenkins, Personal Communication, September 10, 2010).  My friend is over 40!  And she's still hurt! I know it’s horrible to suggest the idea, but are we honest with ourselves?  Do we pick on one child more than another because we have labeled him or her as “difficult?” Or do we spend more time with the child that gives us the least resistance? 

I encourage good behavior from my girls because I praise them when they do well. (No, I don’t tousle their hair and pat their heads.) I spend time alone talking with each girl about her day. When another girl attempts to interrupt, I tell her she has to wait. Birthdays are celebrated by all. Whoever is having a birthday will be celebrated, but the other girls get something too. It’s natural for parents to celebrate the birth of their children, but I think it’s important for siblings to celebrate that birth as well. I bring surprises to the girls.

Children create stress. Have your husband take over. Take a break from them. My children know that they are loved. I may make a mistake here and there, but they know that I am in each one of their corners. Your children will be fine.  Just keep your hands away from your hair.

References:

Marano, H. (2010, August). Oh Brother!. Psychology Today, 54 – 61.

Marsh, C., Guth, D. W., & Short, B. P. (2009). Strategic Writing (2^nd ed.). Boston: Pearson.

How To Tell An Employee To “Get It Together, Or Get Out” Tactfully

OKAY.  So you have an employee that’s not performing.  In fact, not only is he not performing, he’s being confrontational to other employees and is causing your work environment to be hostile.  If you’re a manager, you need to address this issue – STAT.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO???

           

First, you should know that it is always a good idea to relay bad news with something positive first.  Bad news should never be sugarcoated, but it is okay to soften the blow.  The last thing anyone wants is to add stress to someone who is already having issues.  If the employee has been with the company for a short period of time, then that is a small indicator that he must have done something right at some point to have survived.  Let’s face it…had he performed and behaved this way at the start of his employment, he would have been given ultimatum - also known as the BOOT a long ago. 

           

            First, think about whether you can give him some positive feedback about his past performance.    I would begin the discussion with “appreciation” and a “compliment” by telling him that it was his expertise and willingness to work with a team that got him hired.  I would ask him if there were something in his personal life that could be causing the decline in his performance and confrontational behavior. 

            Oftentimes, people are unable to leave their personal matters and emotions at home or check them at the office door before they come in to work.  Next, I would ask if there was some work reason why he has changed.  Perhaps he is not receiving enough support from his teammates. 

            Finally, I would help determine whether there is what Abigail and Cahn call a “work-life conflict” which means that he may be having a hard time managing his family and his work demands.  Many times one cannot complete a job without support or information from someone else.  This form of conflict resolution is what Roebuck (2006) calls the “indirect approach” (p. 88). 

            I would expect his response to be positive and calm since that is the manner in which I would begin the discussion.  If I begin the meeting by telling him about all the things he had done wrong, he would become defensive and probably angry.  I would enforce the fact that his confrontational behavior is equivalent to bullying and would not be tolerated. 

            I would deliver the ultimatum by telling him he had two options.  Either he could attempt to resolve what is causing the behavior if he wants to stay, or he could continue his substandard performance and confrontational behavior and no longer have a place on our team. 

References:

Cahn, D.D., & Abigail, R.A. (2007). Managing conflict through communication (4th ed.). Boston, MA

Roebuck, D.B. (2006).  Improving business communications skills (4^th ed.). New Jersey: Pearson Prentice Hall.   

The Internet is a Good Source of Vitamins...I mean Video

Bloggers don’t offer any real evidence or support that what they are saying is true or whether it makes sense (not me, of course.  Everything I say makes sense - including this post's title).  Blogs can be insightful and intelligent or be the ravings of a mad writer. They are intended for people who are interested in what the blogger has to say.   However, blogs can be powerful tools in marketing.  A customer can spread his or her satisfaction or dissatisfaction of goods and services by blogging about it, and some other medium can pick it up.  Before long, thousands of people are reading about it. 

Such was the case of the dissatisfied Comcast customer that videotaped a repairman sleeping and posted it.  After the video wound up on MSNBC, about 200,000 people saw it (Shin, et. al., 2008).  Practically everyone has a video phone or camera today.  Anything can be captured and sent to the internet.  Just know that this blog is different. 

This blog is for you to release, restore and revive.  Release the issue that has been bothering you about the world.  Did someone bump you in the shoulder without saying excuse me?  Restore yourself to confidence in knowing there are still loving, warm people out there.  Revive your faith in the fact that there are still caring people out there whose brains have not permanently melted into their headphones.  There is always a point of view you hadn’t considered.  How about considering mine?  Tell me something. Your response is welcome.

Reference:

Cameron, G. T., Wilcox, D. L., Reber, B. H., & Shin, J. H. (2008), Public relations today: managing competition and conflict. Boston: Pearson.

  

WORD! Why Newspapers and Magazines are Still Heavy Hitters

Most newspapers are intended for specific towns and cities, even though they are popular in others.  Newspapers such as USA Today are intended for people interested in issues that affect the country.  Newspapers have a special place in my heart.  They can now be read online, but there is nothing like unfolding a piece of material big enough to use as a tablecloth and reading from it.  The ads used in newspapers can be as small as a thumb or as large as a poster.  Magazines, on the other hand, target specific issues and people – for example, people over 50, women over 40, new mothers, working mothers, home engineers (stay-at-home-moms), body builders, and teens, are just a fraction.  Do you think you need psychological help?  Pick up Psychology Today.  Love technology?  Pick up Wired.  Love to travel?  Pick up Cruisin.’  The list is endless.  My favorite magazine of all time is, well, TIME.  The writers’ talent is immeasurable.  I have to actually get out a dictionary every time I read it!  Well, I don’t actually get out a dictionary.  I write down the word then look it up on the internet.  Now, some people would not want to read a magazine that makes them feel like they’re in school, but can’t magazines be used as education tools?  Ads in this sort of media technology are more personal.  The colors are vivid, up-close, and personal.  We want to look like them.  We want to feel how they feel in what they’re wearing, driving, and eating.  We can even sample colognes from them! What is your favorite magazine and why? 

That's my SONG!

Did you know radio can be broadcast from practically anywhere?  Since radio listeners are interested in stations that play the songs they like, ads and news are designed for specific listeners.  For example, one would perhaps hear about the sale of horse on a country radio station or the opening of a Tyler Perry movie on a station frequented by African-Americans.  Just kidding!  That is not to say that certain groups of people don’t like certain types of songs.  I know several people over 45 who love rap music, and I know people under 20 who like Blues songs.  However, for the most part, music and news is brought to us 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  Radio commercials can be just as powerful as television commercials.  Overall, the audio news release (ANR) is the most effective of them all.  Since the radio reaches “94 percent of Americans age 12 and older.”  They are no more than 60 seconds, but they can be extremely powerful.  An ANR I heard recently goes a bit like this (not verbatim):

Telephone ringing

Answering machine answers

Male voice is heard:  “Hello, this is Mike (sic).  I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m beating my child.  Please leave a message after the beep.”

Then, an announcer tells the listeners that finding out that a child is being abused is not that simple, and that we need to be alert and to report any suspicious abuse.  It certainly heightened my awareness of the issue.  Radio is powerful!

Reference:

Cameron, G. T., Wilcox, D. L., Reber, B. H., & Shin, J. H. (2008), Public relations

               today: managing competition and conflict. Boston: Pearson.

Ah, TV!

Television is the number one technology created partly for media exposure.  The other part is for brainwashing.  (What?  You didn’t know you had to have the latest IPhone or you’d die?)  Today, news and information in the United States is fed 24 hours a day from all over the world.  Television is used to entertain, showcase goods and services, and influence spending.  Television is intended to reach a large number of people of all ages, ethnic groups, and backgrounds.  We have loved television since the first day it was born to public broadcasting in the United States in the 1930s to its explosion of color in 1950s to its mega empire today known as cable.  But what does television really do to us?  If we ingest the right amount, we can become informed, intelligent human beings, yet too much of it turns our brains to mush.  We begin to accept things that, if done in the real world, would get us put in jail.  Television can harden us to bad behavior and language.  It can make women think it is OKAY to dress in video costume while shopping for groceries and make men think it is OKAY to go bankrupt buying the next biggest, fastest car, electronic, or “IT” thing.  Television is so powerful, it can shape the way we think about a certain group of people even without getting to know them.  TV is a wonderful powerhouse of technology yet has so much potential to turn us bad.  Question for you TV buffs (or couch potatoes as you’re fondly called):  Is there a way I can create a channel that plays only the types of shows I like – similar to selecting special music for an IPod? I would LOVE to hear from you.