You Just Have To Focus On The Good!

What’s wrong with this picture?  You guessed correctly.  It’s a mangled car.  That’s my car.  It looks like that because it was in an accident – while carrying my two daughters.   You might be wondering if they’re all right.  I’ll get to that in a minute.  First, I want to take you through the emotional roller coaster that is my life at this moment.

Bad News:  I received a phone call a couple Friday mornings ago from my crying 21-year-old.  Through her tearful voice, all I could understand was, “car hit us,” and, “hit my head.”

Good News: She was crying.  Which meant she was ALIVE.  In my heart of hearts, I knew my other daughter was ok, too. 

Bad News:  My car got mangled.  I have no idea how long it’s going to take to get fixed or even if it can be fixed.  We have yet to hear anything.  This means I don’t have any other forms of transportation for myself.  If I have to share our other car, and with our busy lives, it’s going to be quite a juggling act.

Good News: A sweet relative loaned me the use of her car, which was new in 1996.  I won’t tell you who she is, because frankly, I don’t want to embarrass her.   If I were her, I’d be embarrassed.

Bad News:  The next block can hear me coming when I drive it.  When I told her about it, she said, “Yeah, the mechanic told me it has a hole in the muffler.”   The speedometer works when it feels like it.  In this City with all the red light cameras, you’d better have a speedometer.  In fact, your speedometer should be set to “City” so that you can only drive 30 mph and 20 in a school zone.  In fact, I don’t think any of the gauges on her panel work because the gas gauge doesn’t work either.  It ping pongs between “E” and a half tank.  I left home one day and it was on half.  Less than ten miles later, it was on “E.”  I’m no physicist, rocket scientist or Nobel Prize winner, but I don’t think even the biggest gas guzzler on the street will use a half tank of gas in that short distance.  So what was the smart thing to do? I put gas in it.  Or at least attempted to.   

 I went to the pump after giving the clerk $20 to fill up the tank.  After pumping about $3 worth, it stopped.  I tried it again.  This time it gave $2 more.  I figured there was something wrong with the station’s pump.  Either that – or the tank was full.  I couldn’t tell.  I explained this situation to my relative to which she replied, “Oh. You have to gently squeeze the pump, and you have to tilt the nozzle down.”  What?  I needed special instructions on pumping gas for this thing?

“Oh, ok.  Thanks for telling me that,” I said sweetly.  Then I remembered some time ago, she replaced her gas tank because it eroded.  Well, I think the whole tilting scenario was because the mechanic must have misaligned the tank’s opening.  Oh well, I’ll just have to adjust to making gas-pumping a well-thought out process from now on.

Good News: My girls suffered only minor injuries.  I’d rather have a mangled car than mangled girls.

Bad News:       What bad news?

Help! My 16-Year-Old Daughter Is Driving Me Crazy! 3 Steps To Regaining Your Sanity

            My lovely parents raised me in the old-school fashion where children were seen and not heard.  You kept your opinions to yourself because they didn’t matter anyway.  My parents did the best they could with what they knew, but I’m of the opinion that a child’s voice is important.  When you don’t seem to be getting through, you might feel like you’re doing something wrong.  However, as long as you provide food, clothing, shelter and love, everything else is a privilege.  Here are three steps I took that might help you with your difficult teenage girl.

1.     Find Out What’s Eating Her
Your old-school upbringing will definitely try to block this, but I sat down with Ms. Techie, my 16-year-old daughter, and had a heart-to-heart conversation.  She explained that I didn’t understand her; I didn’t let her do anything, and treated her two sisters better.  Rather than settle for her blanket statements, I asked her for specific examples.  One she gave me was the fact that I would not add her to the insurance policy so that she could drive.  “What’s the sense of having a driver’s license if I’m not allowed to go anywhere?” she said.  I could understand her frustration with that one.  Over 50 learning hours driving in various conditions, giving me several near-heart attacks then passing the test to proudly carry her driver’s license didn’t mean anything to her if she couldn’t drive.  I had to give her some rope to grow up.  After all, how are children going to show responsibility if you don’t give them opportunities to be responsible?

Regarding my treating her sisters better that I treated her, I simply told her that her attitude dictated how she’s treated.  There’s a way to say everything, and I told her she could get much farther with me without eye-rolling, a high-pitched voice and disrespect.  I told her we’re all human, and I can forgive someone for having a bad day…but consistent bad days may warrant some help.  At which point she accused me of calling her crazy.  Oy Vey! 

2.     Make Sure She Understands Why You Do What You Do
When our communication breaks down (usually symbolized by her tears), I stop, hold her, and explain that I am being this way simply because I love her.  Explain that rules are meant to be followed, not broken, and that she might not understand why a certain rule exists, but assure her it exists for her own good as you see it…which brings me to the hardest part: discipline.

3.     Make Sure You Outline Specific Consequences For Breaking Rules
My pet peeve is disrespect.  I know it will be hard, but take away privileges when you feel you’re being disrespected.  I previously told her I would take her to get her hair done.  CANCELLED.  She had a subscription to one of her favorite magazines.  CANCELLED.  I pay for her cell phone.  TAKEN.  You might feel you’re being too harsh, but think of it this way:  Why should you pay for privileges for a child who is disrespectful and uncooperative? 

Final Word:  Above all, let her talk.  Let her get everything off her chest.  Even if you don’t agree with what she is saying, and even if your answer to her is still, “no,” let her speak.  If you don’t know what her problem is, you can’t help her.  That does not mean you should allow her to talk over you or interrupt.  If that happens, stop the conversation and let her know it won’t be allowed.  Communicate, communicate, communicate.  Make sure you explain that you love her, and disrespect will not be tolerated.  If she breaks your rules, take away one or more privileges and stick to it until you get results.  There’s no need to keep verbally harassing her.  Let your actions speak louder than your words.  If after you’ve taken all these steps and you don’t see any progress over time, you might just want to have her talk to another family member or a professional, but I really believe you will have a breakthrough.

Conclusion:  After a few days of sulking and refusing to interact with me, I entered Ms. Techie’s room once again.  I initiated a conversation with her and let her talk some more.  Finally, she reached out her arms and said, “I’m sorry.”  We hugged, and for a while, I’m sane again.

I’d love to hear how it turns out with your teenage daughter.  

What the BLEEP Is Going On With Television Programming?

Hey, I like a good curse (ahem, excuse me,) I mean cuss word every now and then just like anyone else.  But what has become of us?  I remember years ago when I first heard the word, “booty” on television or the radio.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I mean, “booty” actually being broadcasted for all to hear?  Growing up, I could not dare say that word.  My parents taught me that such words were foul, and if I had a reason to reference such a thing, it should be called “butt” or “behind.”  So hearing it for the first time like that really made my jaw drop to the floor.  What was happening?  That, I found out, was only the beginning.

Recently, I was flipping channels one mid-morning and happened upon a cable channel known for daytime reality shows.  I actually heard a character say the “P” word.  This word is usually common language in dark rooms or between boys who brag about girls and try to compete with each other.  This word is sometimes put in front of the word, “cat.”  The first time a character on the show said it, she was referring to how a man was acting.  Later, a different character used the word in a more nasty way.  I actually had to rewind the show to listen again so that I could make sure I heard what I thought I heard. I mean, come on! This was in the middle of the afternoon.  It’s not like it was on some channel that has nudity and profanity in its programming late at night.  I had about 100 questions going through my mind, but I will just list these:  

1.      Did they actually say that word?
2.      Why didn’t the station bleep it out of the program?
3.      Isn’t this some sort of violation of the Federal Communications Commission (FCC)?
4.      Why is this bothering me so much?
5.      Is this bothering anyone else?
6.      Am I just getting old?
7.      Where is our decency?

I think it was just another marker of the degeneration of our society. For instance, gone are the days when songs are made about summer breezes or roller skating. It’s like slightly opening a lid to a box with snakes in it. They’re all going to get out and go haywire. Where and how will it end? The scary part is that if we don’t reel some of this stuff back, modesty, discretion and respect will become things of the past.

I'd like to know what you think. Share a comment and let's talk.

 

   

           

I Work For a Large Corporation.  Now What?

Five Things I Wish I Had Done When I Worked for a Large Corporation

I worked for a corporation (a Fortune 500 company, mind you) for 25 years.  Its employees have gone through a multitude of changes – mergers, acquisitions – as large corporations do…and I survived them all.  Until recently.  I should have seen the writing on the wall, but rather than taking my head out of the sand rather than keeping it down to get the work done, I really didn’t see it coming until it was too late.  Just know this, people:  When you’re asked to train other people to do the tasks you currently perform, you might want to start asking some questions.  I didn’t ask a thing.  I simply blew it off as cross-training.  After all, in order for any business to survive, employees must now know how to do more than what they were actually hired, for, right?  Hindsight is always 20/20 as they say.  There’s a whole slew of reasons why I believe my position was not spared, but that’s a whole different article.  I won’t dwell on that aspect.  I just look back at the top five things I wish I had done or avoided.  I hope my blunders don’t become yours.    

1.                Join Your Corporation’s 401(k) Plan Immediately. Like, right NOW!   

I mean, right away without thinking.  When you begin working for a large corporation, Human Resources gives you a huge stack of papers to read.  I read the ones that I thought were important like medical and dental insurance for my family.  This corporation had a 401(k), but I didn’t read through the material because frankly, I had never heard of it and didn’t think it was important.  After all, it’s not like my family ever had enough money to invest, so how could they pass their knowledge on to me?  So when I received the 401(k) papers, I simply disregarded them.  Besides, I was quite young when I began with this Corporation.  I didn’t realize the importance of this plan until I had been there for nearly five years!  Here is a plan that will take some of your money before it is even taxed, invest it for you, and your employer will even match the amount or percentage of the amount you put in.  After I got into the plan and learned how to read my statements, I realized how much money I could have been saving for my retirement. 

Lesson:  Age is no excuse for ignorance.  Whether you’re young and uninformed, or older and think you know everything, you should read and understand all that your corporation has to offer.  If you don’t understand something, ask your co-workers.  Better yet, ask your Human Resources Representative.

2.                Think About Long-Term Goals.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going to work every day, keeping your head down, and getting the work done.  I went along day-to-day doing my job, and doing it very well, might I add.  The problem was that I never considered the fact that I might not want to be doing the same thing five or ten years later.  By the time I knew what I really wanted to do in the corporation, it was too late.  I had more years behind me than in front of me, and I had not really done enough to prepare for a future position.  Get out of your cubicle and stick your nose in other co-workers’ business.  Find out what they do.  Besides, the one constant thing about businesses is that they change.

Lesson:  When you get to know people in your corporation, you’ll find out that you’re not just a little cog in the wheel after all.  Your job plays an important role in the big scheme of things.  If not, they wouldn’t have hired you - which brings me to the next point:

3.                Network and Find a Mentor. 

There were plenty of groups within my corporation that I had an opportunity to join.  It prided itself on its diverse employees and customers, and it had groups to represent them all.  No employee was excluded from joining any of the groups.  There were other networking opportunities such as volunteering.  I waited too long to get involved.  Once I did, I enjoyed it immensely, but it was too little, too late.  Being active in a large corporation can help your name get around.  If you’re a hard worker, that’s a good thing.  I didn’t actually know how to find a mentor.  I mean, should I have just gone up to someone I admired and said, “Hey, can you be my mentor?”  ABSOLUTELY.  How do you find out something without asking?  The worst that could happen is that the person could say no.  Details about how and when the mentoring can actually take place could be worked out later. 

Lesson:  Even though you might not know who could mentor you, again, get involved in some of the Corporation’s activities, ask questions, and volunteer.  If you’re not a people person or shy, it’s ok.  Get involved in something that makes you feel comfortable.  Offer to take your prospective mentor to lunch.  Approach the subject in a calm, relaxed atmosphere.   

4.                Ask Questions.

I was a task master.   If my manager gave me a task, I took it and ran.  I felt that if I understood how to do it, I didn’t need to ask any questions.  Some questions I should have asked myself or my manager are: How is this important to the corporation?  Who else needs it and why?  How does what I’m doing fit into the bigger picture? Is there a better way to do it? Has someone else done it before?   Is there someone else in a different department who is doing something similar?  Don’t ask questions because you’re trying to sound interesting.  Ask because you want to make sure you’re doing the task the best possible way. 

Lesson:  I wouldn’t recommend asking your manager everything, but your co-workers can be valuable.  If your product goes to a co-worker for processing or handling, ask him or her what is done with it once it leaves your hands. 

5.                Seek Training/Get Educated

My corporation offered many resources including a tuition reimbursement program for its employees.  The IT department offered training on everything from new software to later versions of software the corporation was currently using.  I had many opportunities to receive training on something new.  When you learn something new, ask for an opportunity to use your new skill, otherwise, you might not remember how to do it later down the road.   The tuition reimbursement program was instrumental in my decision to go back to school.  I obtained a Bachelors Degree, but wish I had gone even further.    

Lesson:  If your corporation offers tuition reimbursement or training, take advantage and look for opportunities within the corporation to use your new skills.